Getting into a heated argument doesn’t just put you in a bad mood. It
can also compromise your ability to perform everyday tasks—like
driving—in ways that could be dangerous for you or the people around
you. Here, top experts discuss what you should never do when under the
influence of anger, with tips for regaining your composure.
1)You shouldn’t sleep on it
The
saying “never go to bed angry” is valid advice. Going to sleep may
reinforce or “preserve” negative emotions, suggests a study in the
Journal of Neuroscience, which found that sleep enhances memories,
particularly emotional ones. “We are learning that sleep seems to help
us process and consolidate information we acquire while we are awake,”
says Allen Towfigh, MD, a New York City-based board certified sleep
medicine doctor and neurologist. So going to bed after an argument will
likely cause that experience to be consolidated more effectively than if
you went on to remain awake for that same eight-hour period, says Dr.
Towfigh.
2)You shouldn’t drive
Operating a motor vehicle when
you’re enraged can be dangerous. Research shows that angry drivers take
more risks and have more accidents. “When you’re angry, you’re primed
for attack, so it’s not a good time to jump in a vehicle,” says David
Narang, PhD, a clinical psychologist in Santa Monica, Calif. “In
addition, anger gives a person tunnel vision—you stare straight ahead
and may not see a pedestrian or another car coming into your peripheral
vision crossing the street.” If you must drive when angry, Narang
suggests opening your eyes purposefully and looking around you to avoid
tunnel vision.
3)You shouldn’t vent
Getting anger off your
chest sounds like a good idea, but it may actually make matters worse.
In fact, people who simply spent five minutes reading another person’s
online rants became angrier and less happy in a study published in the
journal Cyberpsychology, Behavior and Social Networking. An earlier
study also showed that venting anger by hitting pillows not only
increased anger at that moment but made aggressive behavior more likely
in the future. “They feel validated in what they’re saying by venting,”
says Narang, “but they’re not less angry
4)You shouldn’t eat
Soothing
your anger by reaching for food can backfire in a couple of ways, says
Kathy Gruver, PhD, author ofConquer Your Stress With Mind/Body
Techniques. “When we are angry, we often make unhealthy food choices,”
she says. “No one ever reaches for broccoli. We go for the high-sugar,
high-fat, carbohydrate-loaded comfort foods.” In addition, a heightened
state of emotions sparks the fight or flight response, where the body
thinks it’s in danger. In such a state, digestion takes a backseat to
the “emergency” at hand and does not function optimally, says Gruver.
This may result in diarrhea or constipation.
5)You shouldn’t keep arguing
Staying
in the conversation when you have difficulty modulating your anger
makes it likely you’ll say things you’ll regret, says Christine M.
Allen, PhD, psychologist and coach from Syracuse, NY. “If it’s possible
you will say hurtful things that you’ll regret and can’t take back, ask
for a ‘time out’ with intention to come back to the conversation,” she
suggests. You may need 10 minutes or 10 days. “It’s the willingness to
come back to the conversation and initiate that is key,” Allen says. Use
the time out to actively calm the mind and the body so that you express
yourself in a more mindful, intentional manner.
6)You shouldn’t post about your conflict on Facebook
When
you’re angry, broadcasting your feelings to your friends and family on
Facebook and other social networks will more than likely come back to
haunt you, says Narang. “Posting something publicly can’t be taken
back,” he says.
7)You shouldn’t drink alcohol
Reaching for a
glass of wine to calm yourself down after an angry encounter often does
the opposite, says Narang. “Alcohol makes it more likely you’ll act out
your anger because it removes impulse control.” Alcohol lowers
inhibitions by acting on the frontal lobes of the brain, which are
responsible for controlling the impulses that prevent us from giving in
to urges to harm others or ourselves. “This may lead to more permanent
destruction by doing things you’ll regret, all from a temporary
emotion,” says Narang.
You shouldn’t ruminate
Obsessively
thinking about ways the other person harmed you or was unfair to
you—known as rumination—does not resolve anything, says Allen. If you
find yourself on the receiving end of someone else’s anger, you may be
able to calm them down by first keeping your own cool, says Narang.
Start out talking to the angry person in a manner that matches his or
her level of emotion and then gradually become calmer and steadier as
you speak to them. “This leads them to a calmer place,” says Narang.
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