Please help me. I'm drowning.
I am feeling very depressed right
now. My marriage has been mainly peaceful and chaos free. I did my part,
cared for my husband, cooked for him, was available to satisfy his
sexual needs 24/7, prayed for him, dressed like I did when we were
dating, kept my body in tiptop shape even after 2 babies via c/s,
everyone around me testifies to that both men and women.
In the
wee hours of sunday morning, I was playing around with his phone cause i
couldn't sleep. I realised he had WHATSAPP and BBM apps, it was
surprising cause I had tried to get him to download them repeatedly so
we can send pics to each other but he refused. He said he wasn't
interested in them, so I deleted mine. Like every curious cat, I wanted
to see what he was up to on it since he didn't tell me that he had
finally downloaded it.
I saw that he had been flirting with
almost 10 different girls, had met up with some, given money to a lot of
them (even though our finances have not been in tiptop shape, but i've
been persevering cause I know it is temporary - I have a great job offer
with a N200k salary post-nysc but they are not ready for me to resume
work yet, so I have no income for now). Before I digress too much, the
chat that hurt me the most was a girl who asked my husband to be sending
her N30k a month or week, i'm not sure again (my eyes were blurred with
tears), and then whenever he needs her, he should just tell her which
hotel to check into.
Funny enough, they all know he is married with
kids, they even ask him about his baby in the course of their chat.
Another one that broke my heart was a girl he asked to arrange 15 girls
for a political event being hosted by his older politician friend and
the girls should be ready to provide TLC for them afterwards. From the
messages, it was clear that he slept with this particular girl after
that event because she reminded him that the money she received is not a
replacement for the one he is supposed to give her (i'm guessing after a
previous sexcapade).
I am so heartbroken, I don't know what to
do. I feel like I gave my marriage my all, I followed all the rules of a
good wife, I read books, i don't know what I could have done
differently. My husband told me everyday how much he was in love with me
for the 2 years we dated prior to marriage (we've been married 2 years
and 6 months). I saw no trait of promiscuity in him. I trusted him 100%
so I never policed him concerning his whereabouts (it's not really in my
nature to be like that). I never saw this betrayal coming so it has
been very difficult for me to deal with this. I had an emotional
breakdown on sunday night when he went for a meeting with the new
governor of our state (he is related to him).
He came home at midnight
to see me unconscious. I woke up in a hospital, apparently I had
overdosed on pills. At that time, I wanted to die to get away from my
life, but now I didn't die, i'm happy he came home in time to rescue me.
I mean he could have easily stayed out all night because it was a
special day (post-inauguration celebration). I don't know how I could
have thought of leaving my two little kids less that 2 years old. This
man has made me CRAZY. If my family hears about this suicidal attempt,
they will make me leave him immediately. My fear is, what happens to my
little kids, I don't want another woman to come and maltreat them. We
were legally married but not in Nigeria. I don't know if Nigerian courts
would recognise our marriage certificate. I don't want to lose my kids.
I feel like God has allowed a trial too great for me to handle to come
my way. I feel like he over-rated my strength.
I am just 27. Isn't it
too soon for me to face this kind of life challenge? God knows I married
this man out of love, not for money, my parents tried their best for
me. They sent me abroad, that's where I met my husband, I didn't even
know his family in Nigeria was relatively well-to-do. Some people say if
your husband cheats on you, it's nemesis for what you did to other
women's husbands. God knows I am innocent. I have tried to find out why
my husband who says he loves me everyday, will go out of his way to
flirt with girls and sleep with them, (it's not like it's all of them
that are coming on to him, he is actually doing most of the chasing). He
cannot give me a reason for it, he is just begging me to let it go. I
have tried but I'm still hurting, i'm still obsessing about it. How can I
heal? I don't want to die and leave my children. How can I stop this
pain that is eating me up?
I have read all the articles I can
find online about how to get past a cheating husband, it doesn't seem to
help. I asked my husband if he used a condom and if I need to go and
check for STDs. He is not able to answer me directly but says we can
both go and get checked out. I feel like God has forsaken me and I don't
deserve it. I have tried to be a good girl all my life. I need this
pain in my heart to stop. I need to be sane again.
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